Complete Bollocks is more than just tosh or ordinary bollocks. It requires a whole new communications strategem based upon proven methodologies. Here is a beginner's glossary of some basic Complete Bollocks terminology. This will help you fully communicate and to stay relevant in tomorrow's world.


AHEAD OF THE CURVE: odd things, curves. You're always either behind or ahead or on a steep learning one.

BALLPARK: daft baseball derivative.

BANDWIDTH: meaning ability or capacity, notable for having nothing to do with the internet. E.g. Do you have the bandwidth to have this project ready for the 5pm meeting?

BELT AND BRACES: eighties' expression to signify taking extra care to ensure something is carried out effectively.

BEST OF BREED: ludicrous canine allusion employed when best simply isn't good enough.

BLAMESTORMING: creative process of trying to find anybody else at fault other than yourself.

BLUE SKY: prefixed by Mr, it's an old ELO song. Without it, a tired new exhortation to think creatively. Or indeed, out of the box.

CUSTOMER DRIVEN: the phrase which, when spotted on any brochure, begins its inevitable fall into its final circular resting place.

DISSAPEAR IN A SHOWER OF SHIT: the probable results driven outcome of not getting all of your ducks in a row and not getting all the necessary ticks in boxes. The preceding stage to blamestorming.

DIVERSITY: creating a workforce based on how people look rather than on their skills or aptitude. See also gender.

DRILL DOWN: how auditors go about their DIY.

EMPOWERMENT: popular management term for what they've given to their employees in the absence of cold hard cash.

FAST TRACK: applied to careers and airport check-in lanes. Used by people whose career will end up supervising airport check-in lanes.

FINGER IN THE AIR: not the traditional middle digit salute to the boss but a more prosaic gesture to identify which way the metaphorical wind is blowing.

GAME PLAN: daft baseball derivative.

GATHERING STRING: the collection of random pieces of information to be used for a non-specific future task.

GENDER: grouping people by their sex rather than their skills or aptitude, or how they think and feel. See also diversity.

GET ALL YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW: term used by quacks.

GET IN TO BED WITH: only used by people who should have stayed in it, to imply a closer working relationship.

GETTING IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR: phrase used to woo the unwary and avaricious into dotcom ventures. No one mentioned the lift was going down to the basement.

GOING FORWARD: more fashionable than looking ahead.

GRANULARITY: ultimate complete bollocks that means just what you choose. No one knows. Use whenever possible. Prefix with extra to create a lasting impression.

HELICOPTER VIEW: for managers who have moved on from overview, a more macho way of expressing their Olympian vision.

HOLISTIC APPROACH: New Age off-cut that's still hanging around, Think Body Shop grapefruit and guava brainstorming sessions.

KNOCK ON EFFECT: It's a classic that just won't die.

LOW-HANGING FRUIT: often directed at glory hunters who pick off easy targets for major praise. Low-hanging sour grapes in other words.

MINDSET: the latest version of attitude

MOVING THE GOAL POSTS: daft soccer derivative.

ON MESSAGE: Number Ten's gift to the lexicon of complete bollocks. A euphemism originally for seeing things the same way as Tone (remember him?).

OUT OF THE LOOP: might be a basketball one. Who cares?

OVEN READY: daft culinary drivative indicating that the preparation phase is now complete.

PARACHUTE IN: preferred mode of entry for those from head-office. Also dubbed seagull managers: they fly in, make a lot of noise, shit on everybody and leave.

PARADIGM SHIFT: hugely impressive way for managers to explain that they are making a complete volte-face without being caught using a daft sports derivative.

PUSH-BACK: as in “Do you mind if I push back on that one?” before completely contradicting someone. How about push off mate.

PUT THIS ONE TO BED: rather like this list, and kiss it goodnight.

QUID PRO QUO: no idea but it sounds really clever (or is it to pay £1 to the only professional on the team, if only we knew who it was?)

RAMPING DOWN: the process of de-hiring which results in the creation of payroll orphans.

RESULTS DRIVEN: to distinguish oneself from those who are failure driven.

SINGING FROM THE SAME HYMN SHEET: phrase indicating aspiration for collective unity. Now so ancient as to revive memories of things being run up flagpoles.

SYNERGY: the one word above all others which conjures up visions of Nobo boards, stale biscuits, cold coffee and meetings in the Wedgewood Room at the Derby Best Western Midland Hotel.

SHOW STOPPER: scary thesbian derivative indicating the show might not go on after all.

TALK THE TALK, WALK THE WALK: a seminal phrase in the history of complete bollocks.

THE WHOLE NINE YARDS: Inexplicable 27 foot long Americanism for going all the way in a business sense.

TICKS IN BOXES: what we do with the boxes we all need to think outside of.

TOUCH BASE: daft baseball derivative.

VALUED ADDED: trendy backwards way of saying adding value, as in adding something else to make it more valuable. Genius.

WIN-WIN SCENARIO: hopeless losers phrase.

YOKOMO: (rhyming) = Yoko Ono Moment = Oh no! Moment. That very lonely moment when you are the very first person to realise that some large and extremely unpleasent distaster is about to come to pass. Made infinitely worse when you realise it is your fault and very soon everybody will realise it as such.