APHORISMS

Fred Allen.

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True Complete Bollocks needs ready access to aphorisms - meaningful and pithy sayings - that can be used to disguise all manner of yokomo (see glossary).

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There is no greater burden in life than being recognised as having great potential.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

We always overestimate the cost of doing the right thing and always underestimate the ultimate cost of doing the wrong thing.

You know you are getting old when you unzip your trousers, pull out your tie and pee in your pants.

Don't get drunk with a dwarf with learning difficulties - it's not big and it's not clever.

Never flirt with ugly men if you have had more than three martinis (don't ask me how I know this).

Continuous improvement requires something continuous to improve.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's probably a duck. (It might be a swan, but it's probably a duck.)

The height of cleverness is to be able to conceal it.

Take care with fast cars and fast women, and never split a pair of fours at blackjack.

Steer clear of cheap women and cheap champagne, and never split a pair of fours at blackjack.

Never pass up an opportunity to use a toilet, never trust a fart and treat every erection as a thing of wonder - it might be the last one you ever see.

If you don't watch the horizon you won't be able to shoot the Indians before you are within bow and arrow range.

Better nouveau riche than no riche at all.

Better nouveau riche than vieux pauvre.

The fundamental defect of fathers is they want their children to be a credit to them.

If you must hold yourself up to your children, hold yourself up as an object lesson, not as an example.

If we don't turn around now, we'll end up where we are heading.

Don't think there are no crocodiles just because the water is calm.

Facts do not cease to exist just because they are being ignored.

The last temptation is the greatest treason: to do the right thing for the wrong reason.

We have met the enemy and he is us.

We have no eternal allies and no perpetual enemies. Our interests are eternal and perpetual and those interests it is our duty to follow.

The only statistics worth believing are those you falsify yourself.

For evil to triumph it is only necessary for good men to do nothing.

If you wait by the river long enough you will see the bodies of you enemies float by.

Good taste and humour are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore.

You learn most from mistakes that are made. The art is to do most of your learning from other peoples mistakes and not you own.

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of he always declares it is his duty.

Success has always been a great liar.

I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones.

We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.

Our enemies' opinion of us comes closer to the truth than our own.

No man of honour ever quite lives up to his code, any more than a moral man manages to avoid sin.

We find it easy to believe that praise is sincere: why should anyone lie in telling us the truth?

There are times when lying is the most sacred of duties.

[Talking about a competitor's product:] It's a dog - it howls. Ours is a tiger - it p-u-u-u-r-r-s.

I don't say we should misbehave, but we should look as though we could.

Deadlines are the mothers of invention.

A stiff apology is a second insult.

A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in trouble.

We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done.

You raise your voice when you should reinforce your argument.

There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

Most people have seen worse things in private than they pretend to be shocked at in public.

You are permitted in time of great danger to walk with the devil until you have crossed the bridge.

The time is always right to do what is right.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

In things pertaining to enthusiasm, no man is sane who does not know how to be insane on proper occasions.

The secret of all victory lies in the organization of the non-obvious.

History is a set of lies agreed upon.

Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan.

Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

Good ideas are not adopted automatically. They must be driven into practice with courageous patience.

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

History is the sum total of the things that could have been avoided.

I hope I die before I get old.

You cannot kill time without destroying eternity.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.

Luck is being ready for the chance.

Nothing goes right
If your underwear's tight.

If you want a truly symbolic gesture, wash the flag, don't burn it.

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilisation in between.

Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.

Some men rob you with a six-gun,
And some with a fountain pen.

You always assume that the military and intelligence people have some secret skill not available to ordinary mortal people.

Never steal more than you need, for the possession of surplus money leads to extravagance, foppish behaviour and frivolous thought.

Fortune favours the brave and abandons the timid.

Man learns from history that man learns nothing from history.

The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and that having problems is a problem.

A lie told often enough becomes a truth.

Morality is entirely subordinated to the interests of the class struggle.

It is of course well known that the only source of war is politics ... war is simply a continuation of political intercourse, with the addition of other means.

Suffer any wrong that can be done you rather than come here!

Once integrity goes, the rest is a piece of cake.

One dog barks at a shadow, the rest bark at him.

A common warning sign is denial of the problem itself.

If you lend someone £20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.

With time and the march of events all truths are shown and proved.

If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

As you grow old, you lose interest in sex, your friends drift away and your children often ignore you. There are other advantages of course, but these are the outstanding ones.

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